Psychotherapy is costly both in terms of time and money.  Here are some ideas on how to make your investment in therapy as useful as possible.  You don’t have to use all of these suggestions, and these are not rigid rules that you must follow.  However, paying attention to these will improve your experience in therapy.

First off, make sure that you feel good about me and my approach.  Therapy is most effective when you are completely open with me, so take your sense of safety with me seriously.  If you are cautious to talk with me about certain things, the reason for your caution is something we should talk about.

I would like to earn your trust and become your closest confidant.  This will take some time, but if you do not feel your trust in me building, please bring it up!  I want to co-create a relationship where you can freely share almost anything (except for some things that are illegal, like murder, or suicide). That is a part of the special joy of a psychotherapy relationship. You can tell me anything you want about yourself, and I won’t judge, I won’t insult or berate, and I won’t just leave you unexpectedly (to the extent this is within my power). It’s such a valuable and unique relationship; please take advantage of it as much as possible.

A good therapeutic relationship is made rather than simply found.  Be creative about helping me get to know you.  The better I know you, the more effective our work together will be.  Share photos of your family and loved ones, bring in your art work, share a favorite song, ask to meet at a special location, go for a walk or invite me to your home.  Make use of methods that have worked for you to build other relationships  You are paying me for my time, and we can be creative about how we spend that time. Don’t worry, if I am not comfortable with it, I will let you know.

To deepen the relationship, be direct with me.  No therapist is perfect.  What am I doing that works and doesn’t work? Am I leaving things out that you had hoped would be part of our work together?  Do you find me cold?  Intrusive?  Not challenging enough?  Too challenging?  Do you worry that you like me too much or that you depend on me too much?  Say so. This sort of direct communication not only helps me help you, it also helps you get comfortable with parts of yourself that you usually hide.  A core principle of therapy is that it’s the relationship that heals.  But you can’t just show up; you need to open up too.

It would not make much sense to go to your medical doctor and not be open about your symptoms – similarly, in therapy, please be open and direct with me about what is bothering you.  If you are not comfortable telling me, please tell me that!  “I want to talk about something, but I do not yet feel safe enough with you to be that vulnerable.”

I am a very good and experienced therapist.  I can only be a great therapist for you with your active collaboration in designing our work together.

Schedule sessions at a good time for you. Make sure you have the mental space to really dive into your concerns and that you are not having to “hold yourself together” so you can handle your next commitment.  Make some time after the session to journal a bit and reflect on what happened.

Keep your appointments, be on time and pay your bills.  This is a very basic way of honoring the work we are trying to do together.  Emotionally, I can only really invest in your healing to the extent that I feel you investing in it.

Define observable benchmarks for the changes you want, whether in terms of behavior, thought, or feeling.  The work of each session will likely be different, but therapy should be getting you closer to your benchmarks.  If not, we should talk about that.

A really great therapy session generally follows this pattern:

• Logistics first
• Centering
• Check our relationship – clear and connected.
• Do the work of the day.
• Plan how to use today’s material in your outer life.
• Finish up with shared appreciation.

Here is little more on each of these:

Take care of the logistics first – it is almost always disruptive to have to handle these at the end, so do the money, scheduling, insurance and any questions first.

Centering in yourself.  This might just take you a breath, but sometimes it can be very useful to take several breaths to clear a space from your day, deepen your mindfulness and focus on your goals for the session.  You may already know how to do this, if not, I can offer you a variety of approaches.

Keep our relationship clear and connected.  Please bring up any concerns you have in our relationship and talk about them.  If there are no unresolved issues between us,  check the quality of our connection and fine tune it – do you want to feel closer?  Less close?  Is our physical proximity comfortable?

A word on physical contact – I am cautious about physical contact because I do not want to invade your space or to create an ambiguous situation.  At the same time, physical contact can be very helpful.  Personally, because I can get so much information about another person through touch, touching the person I am with often helps me feel safer.  I spent years doing massage, and these days I dance and do interactive martial arts; I am very comfortable being physically connected with others.

I believe that most people are touch-deprived and that this creates a malaise in the human organism.  For these and other reasons, touch may be an important part of your healing work.  It can also bring up issues around boundaries, affection and sexuality that are difficult (and extremely useful) to grapple with.

Do the work of the day. I will often ask you, “What would you like to work on today?” or “What would be most useful to go into today?” It is helpful if you have put some thought into these questions before the session.

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Since our relationship is a co-creation, neither of us really know in advance what is going to happen next or what will be most healing for you.  Here are some ways we might use our time:

Sharing about your week – there is no need for you to do this, although for some people this is a way for them to include me in their lives, to feel understood and known, to report on progress, and to bring out problem areas.  You may be going through a particularly difficult period in your life and needing some quality support and validation.

Talking more deeply about our relationship and relationships in general.  Ideally, we are co-creating an unusually open and trusting relationship.  Talking about the process is important and talking abut how it is, and is not like your other relationships is part of that.

Being witnessed in the unfolding of your present experience.  Most people have little experience being totally transparent with another.  Therapy is a place where you can do that and at some point I encourage you to take advantage of that.

Clearing your past.  Many people carry distress from their past or immature learnings that have never been updated.  It is profoundly helpful to methodically clear this up.  This requires focused work and the sooner in your life you do it, the better.

Developing new skills.  So much of the quality of your life experience is based on your self management skills and your skills in interacting with others.  Improving these skills -whether in terms of thinking, emotion, or behavior – is an essential part of your personal growth.  Again, the sooner you do this in your life the longer you will enjoy the results.

Plan how to use today’s material in your outer life.  Often it can be useful to co-design specific exercises or to plan out conversations to be had with important people.  Follow through and accountability in taking your new tools and insights into your life is essential.  If we agree on some “homework”, do it!

Finish up with shared appreciation.  Ideally, we just co-created a powerfully caring and healing session together.  Honoring the sacred space we entered, and are now leaving, is important.

In between sessions:

Journal about the process – taking the time to reflect on paper about our sessions will solidify your insights and strengthen your resolve to practice new skills.

Share about your experience in therapy with supportive others – this can be a great way to involve your supporters in your growth.  But be selective; you do not need to share everything with anyone and sometimes tender areas of new growth benefit from privacy.

Put the gains you have been making in therapy into practice!  If we made agreements around specific follow through, do your homework.  When you find opportunities to practice new interpersonal skills or skills for self-management, put these to use.  As with anything else new, be prepared to make some mistakes at first!

Prepare for your next session – think about topics you would like to address, problematic areas in your life or skills you would like to develop.  Sometimes it can help to write these down and bring your notes to the next session.  Not preparing for a therapy session or waiting until the last minute may inadvertently make it more difficult to talk about what is really important. As you know, preparation is key for anything worthwhile in life.

When it is time for us to complete…

It is natural to wonder about when our therapy relationship will be complete.  Please talk about this with me when it is up for you.  My investment in you and your wellbeing will mirror your investment in therapy.  This is in the coin of time and money, but more importantly, in the coin of respect and care.  When I invest in you, I make the agreement to show up with all of myself in each session, and to not break the relationship off without discussion.  Please show me the same respect.

Sometimes it is appropriate for us to taper in our work together, having sessions once a month or as needed.  We can talk about these specifics when the time comes.

If our work together has been effective, you will have made great strides towards your personal goals and we will also have developed a personally caring relationship.  I know from experience that my caring for my clients endures beyond our professional relationship. We may choose to stay in touch for years…or not.  We can decide together.

The Earth Protector Dance:

Nando Raynolds  nando@mind.net   541-821-6623

This dance is designed to be done in gatherings of all kinds.  Do the dance at the level of physicality that feels good to you with a natural feel, a pattern of movement that feels personally congruent, and that is an expression of your personal feelings of each statement.  It is designed as both an energizing action and a display of personal and group unity and resolve.

These movements draw primarily from the martial arts and qigong traditions. “Display” type dances of this kind have been performed by many traditional cultures.  We offer this dance with respect and humility as a starting point for the development of dances of this type.

The dance will produce predictable results for participants and observers.

As a participant it will energize you physically and emotionally, connect you with your values, strengthen your resolve and build the cohesion of your group.

Observers will be moved by the unity, passion and power of the display.

This dance is powerful and should be used with care.  Participants will be energized, and it is best if that energy is then directed following a prearranged and deliberate plan.

Observers will also be energized.  It is best if there is also a plan for immediate action available for sympathetic observers.

Observers who are not sympathetic to the group will likely not know what to do with the emotional arousal created by the dance.  Anticipate this, be compassionate and do not antagonize these observers!  As the culture becomes more accustomed to groups doing the Earth Protector Dance, law enforcement personnel will be be trained to hold space for this kind of non-violent display.  Until that time, they are unlikely to know how and if to respond, so give them a lot of space!

The Earth Protector Dance

The dance has a leader (or leaders) with drum, megaphone or voice to set tempo, call the chant and maintain the dance structure.

Stand in 2 lines with arms extended to sides to get space.  Then Wonder Woman

                  SINGERS                                                     DANCERS

My legs are the legs of the earth! (4x)                   alternate sumo leg raises

My arms are the arms of the Earth! (4x)               hand slap forearm and upper arm

My breath is the Earth’s winds! (4x)                inhale open, exhale double slaps to chest

My heart pumps Her waters! (4x)                     alternate single hand slap the heart

I am a child of the Earth and Sky (2x)                bend forward, open up into mountain

I have been small, but together we are strong! (2x)       bend forward, open up into Mtn

I protect the Earth, air, water and life! (4x)         diagonal lawn mower pull into sideways                                                                                     *                                                                                  mountain switching sides

I stand for love, inclusion and respect!  (4x)      diagonal lawn mower pull into sideways      *                                                                                   mountain switching sides

I am a child of the Earth and Sky (2x)                bend forward, open up into mountain

I have been small, but together we are strong! (2x)       bend forward, open up into Mtn

Mess with the Earth and you mess with me!  (2x)    diagonal lawn mower pull into sideways   *                                                                                         mountain, switching sides

Mess with the Earth and you mess with us! (2x)     diagonal lawn mower pull into sideways *                                                                                          mountain, switching sides

Join us, join us in our work! (4x)   arms extend, crossing, open, bring in to Wonder Woman

Fighting Fair and Functionally: More on creating a functional conflict resolution pattern – Agreeing to Non-violence and Time Outs

I hope you have been thinking about how to reduce pain in your relationships by improving your conflict resolution strategies. Here is a little more about this. In my first Blog on this topic, I talked about the 5 steps at the core of an effective pattern:

1. Make An Appointment– schedule a time to have the conversation
2. Mutual Respectful Listening – each person takes turns speaking and listening. Take any necessary time outs – do what you need to do to stay calm and respectful!
3. Brainstorm solutions – be creative and bring your sense of humor
4. Negotiate – agree on a solution
5. Re-assess – fine tune your solution at an agreed upon future time

These steps work best within a shared commitment to non-violence. In some ways this goes without saying, almost everyone would like to have relationships that are non-violent. However, many people have old habits that allow some forms of violence and most people get violent when upset.

One of the first steps in setting up a conflict resolution pattern that you and your partner can agree upon is deciding on the level of violence you are willing to have in the relationship. Here are some examples of physically violent behavior:

• Hitting, slapping or pushing each other.
• Throwing things, slamming doors, stomping about.
• Hitting walls and other ways of damaging yourself.
• Breaking objects, messing with the other person’s stuff.

Most functional couples have decided that these are against the rules. If you personally are not yet able to control your anger enough to follow these rules, this is a serious problem of yours and you should get help with it.

Here are some examples of verbally violent behavior:

• Yelling
• Using an offensive tone of voice
• Name calling
• Shaming
• Blaming
• Stonewalling
• Lying

I recommend that you and your partner decide to make these against the rules. For many couples this is a big change and developing strong habits around this takes time.  Be patient with the process of change, but hold yourself accountable!  Get help if you need it with this step.

Most people become verbally and physically violent when they get angry enough. If you think of your anger on a thermometer from 0 to 10, you probably do not yell at someone when you are at a one, but you might at a seven. Admitting this – that we each have our limits – allows us to see that we need an agreed upon strategy for how to stop an argument that is escalating into territory that we’ve decided is counter-productive.

This requires a structure for taking a time out. I suggest the following rules as a starting point for you and your partner to personalize.

When one or the other partner recognizes that he or she is getting so upset that s/he is about to break the rules, s/he has the duty to take a time out. This is done with a pre-established nonverbal and verbal signal (like holding up both hands in a capital T sign and saying, “I need a time out.”) At this point the conversation stops and the person asking for the time out negotiates the structure of the time out. A good starting point is, “I’m sorry this is just getting too upsetting for me”, or “I’m sorry but I really do not have the time or energy to devote to this right now” or something similar. This is then followed by “ I know this is important for us to resolve and I could talk about this more at such and such a time.” The person requesting the time out is also responsible for re-initiating the conversation. The other person allows the time-out to take place knowing that having a productive conversation is the most important thing. Allowing your partner to take a time out can be challenging but is essential; learning to be able to do this is up to you.

Allowing your partner to take a time out can be challenging but is essential; learning to be able to do this is up to you.

For most couples, instituting these simple structures will significantly reduce painful time spent in conflict. If you and your partner do not yet have these kinds of agreements in place I strongly encourage you to set them up.

The goal here is to eliminate the pain of violence in the relationship first and consequently make it less scary to bring up topics of importance. As you build your skills and commitments around non-violence it is helpful to stay open to feedback from your partner. Personally, my goal is not that I think I am not being violent, but that my partner feels safe with me. To achieve this I must be open to hearing about it, for example, when I think I am being respectful and my partner feels shamed. I continue to believe that I could become even more skilled at treating my partner with respect.

Once you have these agreements established with your partner, then practice keeping them until you are both really good at it. (Ideally, we would start this practice as children so that by the time we are in a romantic relationship we are already good at it.) The time out structure is something that you can beneficially practice before you need it. So, for example, if you need it when you are angry at a 6, practice doing it when you are angry at a 4.

Thank you for taking the time to read and think about this. Now please discuss it with your romantic partners and in your other relationships. To create the world we want to live in we have to work together to manage our disagreements in a respectful and non-violent fashion. This begins with you, in your home.

Read more about this in my other posts on this topic.  If you want help in developing these skills, contact me or call 541-821-6623!

One of my specializations is helping couples resolve conflict.  I have found that all deeply successful relationships have an effective conflict resolution protocol.  It may be formal or not, but both parties are happy with it and follow it as needed.  This and my other posts on this topic will help you develop your own protocol.  Doing so is one of the most loving things you can do for others.. as well as yourself!

Here is a pattern for loving friends and companions to follow to increase mutual understanding and reduce emotional injury.

In any long-term relationship, conflicts and disagreements will arise. Having a mutually agreed upon protocol to follow when this happens will reduce the distress from these disagreements. Being skillful in resolving conflict amicably will serve you well in any relationship – both personal and professional.

The research indicates that in order for us to be satisfied in our relationships, we need to have 5 times as much good stuff happening in the relationship as bad. Since conflict and disagreement is bound to arise from time to time, please learn to face and resolve these with as little damage tot he relationship as possible. Relationships where disagreements are discussed in an effective and mutually respectful way can go deeper. Relationships where conflicts are not faced will wither. Relationships where conflicts lead to mutual pain will tend to blow up.

The following is a suggested pattern for conflict resolution. Most people find this pattern effective and useful as it stands, but feel free to personalize it.

Let’s say person A has a conflict with person B…

1) Make An Appointment – Person A contracts for time.  “I have an issue that I would like to discuss with you. It’s about how we are parenting the kids and I think it will take about 30 minutes to discuss. When would be a good time?” They settle on a time. We do this to reduce impulsive arguments by allowing both parties to be prepared. This prevents predictable disasters such as trying to have a difficult conversation after one or both people have had a couple drinks.

2) Mutual Respectful Listening – A explains her position in small bite sized chunks. B does reflective listening. A uses “I” statements to help B not become self-protective or upset. B works to just listen and validate A’s position. He asks, “Is that all? Is there anything else you would like to say about this? Am I getting the most important points?” Once he gets the OK from A, they switch roles. The target here is for A to feel heard and respected by B and vice versa. Each should understand and respect the other’s position and convey that clearly.

Note: Time outs: In discussing touchy issues, it is not unusual for either or both parties to become so upset that they are no longer able either to listen or talk respectfully. When this happens it is important to take a time out. The couple agrees beforehand how exactly to do this. “Hold on, I’m getting a little too defensive to have this conversation right now. Let’s take a breather for 10 minutes and I’ll walk around the block and then we can go into it some more.” The person who initiates the time out must also re-initiate the conversation so the whole topic doesn’t get swept under the rug. Sometimes people have difficulty being patient with their partner’s desire to separate and calm down. If your partner says “time out!” it is in your best interest to allow them to take the time to calm down, do not pursue them!

3) Brainstorming – A and B both brainstorm solutions looking for both zany and realistic ideas on how to create a win-win.

4) Negotiate – They choose a solution and make a plan of how to put it into action

5) Re-assess – They check back in on how the solution is working at some predetermined later date and fine tune if necessary.

Putting this conflict resolution pattern into practice requires a lot of different skills. It is not easy and will not come naturally. If you are going to become skilled at doing this with your partner and friends, that will happen only because you practice. In the process of practicing, you and your conflict partners will make mistakes. This will be difficult. But if you do not practice, you will continue using your habitual patterns of conflict resolution and, I’m assuming, these produce results that are already pretty darn difficult, otherwise you would not have read this!

So discuss this with your partner and friends and commit to practicing and building your skills. Use the full pattern with easy topics at first. Practice being a tape-recorder in your reflective listening. Take time outs before you need them. Practice the mechanics so that when the conflict is real and hot you have skills to fall back upon.

This is not a complicated pattern, but it does require practice and commitment to get good at. Getting good at it is one of the kindest things you can do for everyone else around you and it will boost your relational experience to a totally different level.

Read more about this in my other posts on this topic.  If you want help in developing these skills, contact me or call 541-821-6623!

Many martial arts include training in standing meditation. In Yiquan, for instance, static standing postures are the foundation exercises for a powerful self-defense system. In martial arts and qigong systems there are a variety of different postures used for a variety of purposes. Some are more for healing or fitness, martial skill, or perceptual training.

In a series of posts, I will be providing guidelines for exploring this powerful personal development approach. If you are a beginner, as with any type of exercise I encourage you to check with your doctor, start slowly, and stop if you experience discomfort or dizziness.

The simplest standing meditation practice is called Wuji or Wuchi. Try this posture for 20 relaxed breaths and work up to 100. Focus on building comfort with the position first (the physical requirement) and then on maintaining your attention in the present.

Stand with your feet parallel, hip width apart, arms at sides, palms facing the rear. Keep your knees unlocked and relax as much as you can while maintaining your vertical alignment. Scan from the crown of the head down to the soles of the feet relaxing and opening the joints. Cultivate a sense of floating from the crown of the head. Tongue touching the roof of the mouth, chin dropped, neck free, shoulder blades sinking and widening, space under the arm pits, arms and hands alive to the finger tips, breathing deeply into the pelvic bowl, feel and open the perineum, keep the hip joints loose, weight going down the center of loose knees and ankles, feeling the soles of the feet.

Despite the fact that we do not move our feet, there are micro-adjustments happening in our balance all the time to accomodate the changes of breath and heart beat. Do not seek rock-like stillness, instead allow your body to move with these pulsations. Expect, feel and allow the subtle balance adjustments and sway that go with the pulse of the breath and simply standing. The dance of the standing body is like the movement of a flame around the wick of a candle on a windless night. Allow your whole body to be mobile with the breath. Allow the tilt of your pelvis to change with the breath.

For the meditation and mindfulness portion, if you find your attention drifting away to thoughts of the past, future or analysis of the moment, simply bring your attention back to your present tense physical sensations and perceptions.

Try this posture out and let me know how you feel. I’ll be posting another variation in several days.

Well, this is exciting, now I have this template up and can load this blog with useful information and use it as a networking tool.

In the future I plan to add book summaries and reviews as I read things as well as brief entries my interests.

I’ll also be using this as a way to connect with others around my T’ai Chi work, my push hands book, my dvds and my Teaching T’ai Chi book project. This may also be a way to connect with folks around psychotherapy.