Happy Valentine’s all! Here is another blog on relationships, if this catches your attention, consider joining us in for our upcoming workshop on Love, Sex and Intimacy! https://www.facebook.com/events/1884365738472695/
“If you really loved me you would know what I wanted!” Have you ever felt that way (or heard that)? I have. I would love to have my wife psychicly tune into my every desire and meet it. Peeled grapes? Already at hand. A little firmer touch? No problem, she would know my desire before I even asked. Unfortunately, I am no longer in the womb, so I actually have to participate in creating what I want. Bummer!
In relationships, it is your responsibility to know what you want, it is not the other person’s job.
Most people are not absolutely sure of what they want because they are still in the process of discovering themselves. This is natural. How are you going to know what flavor of ice cream you want (or what kind of attention you crave) if you haven’t experienced a lot of flavors? Fortunately, as you accumulate more life experience you are more likely to know what you want.
We discover what we want through a process of experiencing the varieties available. And to get what you want in a relationship, you first have to be able to identify it.
This is not as easy as it may seem. Haven’t you been told since you were a small child about what you “should” want and what you “shouldn’t”? Mother culture teaches us what societally acceptable desires are and loosening up this brainwashing can be very difficult. Please take this seriously, so many people are striving to fit the roles their parents and teachers taught them were appropriate.
Want to be clearer about what you want in certain area? Educate yourself about the choices available. Want the perfect recipe for cheesecake? Taste a lot of cheese cakes. How, you might ask, do we apply this to a more time consuming issue like co-creating a great relationship? Good question – we have to be creative and make use of all of our experiences, from movies and books to stories from our friends about their relationships, to actual connections with others. Using all of that as raw material, we then start asking ourselves questions about specific situations. (When you ask yourself a question it focuses your attention and your amazing brain will usually come up with some pretty good answers.)
Questions like: In my dream relationship, how would my partner greet me when we haven’t seen each other for awhile? How would we talk about disagreements? Who would do what chores? How would we handle money? How often would we have sex? What kind of sex would we have? Where would we live? What kind of food would we eat? How often would we be able to vacation? Where? Would we have kids?…. you get the idea, lots of these kinds of questions to help you flesh out your ideal relationship fantasy.
Just because you create a fantasy, of course, does not mean that you will be able to make it come true, but the more you know what you want the more likely you will be able to recognize it when you see it. Are you in a relationship now? If so, it is a great opportunity to share honestly with your partner some of the details of your fantasy. How else are they going to know? And they may secretly be wanting the same thing.
Do be a little cautious about this – because of that pesky societal programming people can get confused about what they want, choosing one thing while in their heart of hearts they long for another. Be as honest with yourself as you can, be willing to entertain the possibility of craving something unusual or that looks needy or shameful.
In my next blog I’ll talk about the next step in this process – actually asking for what you want!